150 Super Funny Coffee Puns [Best Coffee Jokes Ever!]

Can’t live without your morning brew?

You’re not alone. In fact, over 1 billion people around the world drink an estimated 2.25 billion cups of coffee every day!

With its popularity, it’s no surprise that there are tons of coffee puns and coffee jokes out there. So pour yourself a fresh cup of Joe and keep reading below for your daily dose of coffee humour.

Hilarious Coffee & Espresso Puns

1. Where you bean all my life?

2. We are cool beans.

3. You keep me grounded.

4. I should’ve been working but I was procaffeinating.

5. Sorry affogato your name.

6. There’s trouble brewing…

7. To bean or not to bean?

8. How I feel without coffee: depresso.

9. You pick me up when I’m feeling brew.

10. Java nice day.

11. I’m feeling a bit of deja brew.

12. I’m quiet, but after a cup of coffee, I can espresso my feelings.

13. I love you a latte.

14. That’s so doppio.

15. If you were ground coffee you’d be espresso because you’re so fine.

16. I can’t espresso how much I love you.

17. Its bean one of those days.

18. Better latte than never.

19. Thank you for bean a friend.

20. Avoid discussing coffee in a sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.

21. See ya later percolator.

22. I need to venti.

23. Mugs and kisses.

24. It’s hard to espresso my feelings for you.

25. Everything I brew, I brew it for you.

26. My local barista can be really rude sometimes; he doesn’t have a filter.

27. Sending you a whole latte love.

28. Brew-ston, we have a problem.

29. I don’t give a frappe.

30. Don’t mocha me laugh!

31. Don’t worry, be frappe.

32. This news is hot off the French press.

33. Thank you for bean there for me.

34. Coffee is a part of my daily grind.

35. I can’t fully espresso my excitement.

36. Sip happens.

37. You’re unfrappin’ believable.

38. Are you sick? Yes, I’ve been coffee and sneezing.

39. That’s (coffee) grounds for dismissal.

40. You mocha me very happy.

41. You’re cruising for a brew-sing!

42. I’ll brew it by whatever beans necessary.

43. Livin’ la vida mocha.

44. Give it your best shot.

45. I am frappé if I am with you.

46. I’ve bean thinking of you a latte.

47. That’s a tall order.

48. Two coffee lovers got together and made a happy cup-ple.

49. Thank you for everything you brew for me.

50. Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.

51. I believe in brew.

52. What have you bean up to?

53. I didn’t choose the mug life, the mug life chose me.

54. Take life one cup at a time.

55. We’re the perfect blend!

Laugh-Out-Loud Coffee Jokes

56. Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue?

A: He drank his coffee before it was cool.

57. Seven days without coffee makes one WEAK.

58. Q: What did the two coffee enthusiasts say when they got married?

A: We’re meant to bean together!

59. Doctors found traces of blood in my coffee stream.

60. Q: Where do birds go for coffee?

A: The Nestcafe.

61. Q: Why didn’t the espresso talk to the herbal drinks?

A: They weren’t his cup of tea.

62. A bad day with coffee is better than a good day without it.

63. Q: What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you’ve been there before?

A: Déja-brew.

64. Q: What’s the opposite of coffee?

A: Sneezy.

65. Coffee: Because adulting is hard.

66. Q: Why did the coffee call the police?

A: Because it was mugged.

67. May your coffee kick in before reality does.

68. Q: Why don’t snakes drink java?

A: Because it makes them viperactive.

69. “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” — Steven Wright

70. Q: What happened when the wife drank her husband’s coffee?

A: The relationship came to a bitter end.

71. Q: What’s a barista’s favourite morning mantra?

A: Rise and grind!

72. I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.

73. Q: What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?

A: De-calf-inated.

74. People say money can’t buy happiness. They lie. Money buys coffee, and coffee makes me happy!

75. Q: What did the girl say when her iced coffee arrived?

A: Cool beans!

76. Q: Wanna hear a joke?

A: Decaf.

77. My coffee machine is the most beautiful person in the world to me.

78. Q: What do gossiping coffee pots do?

A: Spill the beans.

79. It’s strange how drinking eight cups of water seems impossible but eight cups of coffee go down like a chubby kid on a see-saw.

80. Q: How does Moses make coffee?

A: Hebrews it.

81. Q: What do beans say to their Valentines?

A: You keep me grounded.

82. Today’s good mood is sponsored by: Coffee.

83. Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s cuppa joe?

A: Mugging.

84. When life gives you lemons, trade them for coffee.

85. Q: What do baristas say to their least-favourite customers?

A: You mocha me crazy!

86. Everyone should believe in something. I believe I will have another coffee.

87. Q: Why did the cafe close early for the day?

A: A storm was brewing.

88. You should know that before 10 am, no matter what the question is, my answer is always coffee.

89. Q: How is divorce like an espresso?

A: It’s expensive and bitter.

90. Q: How did the coffee show its love?

A: It said, “Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me.”

91. Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s caffeine.

92. Q: What’s a barista’s favourite exercise at the gym?

A: The French press.

93. May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.

94. Q: What did the new barista say about her job?

A: Working here has lots of perks.

95. Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

A: A depresso.

96. If you are not coffee, chocolate or bacon, I’m going to need you to go away.

97. Q: Why was the coffee-shop worker fired?

A: He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.

98. Bean Affleck was amazing in Dazed and Coffee-Infused.

99. Q: What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee?

A: I don’t know, but that’s certainly grounds for divorce!

100. The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.

101. Q: What do you call a baby cow?

A: Decaf.

102. Coffee helps me maintain my ‘never killed anyone’ streak.

103. Q: Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?

A: Because he was pressed for time.

104. Drink coffee and pretend to know what you’re doing.

105. Q: What did the Starbucks employee say when the police called to say a robber was at large?

A: You mean, “At Venti?”

Bonus: Famous Coffee Sayings & Quotes

106. “I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.” — Lewis Black

107. “If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.” — David Letterman

108. “Coffee, the favourite drink of the civilized world.” — Thomas Jefferson

109. “Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon.” — Jilly Cooper

110. “Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank.” — Alphonse Allais

111. “We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.” — Jerry Seinfeld

112. “Without coffee, nothing gets written. Period.” — Nancy Kress

113. “A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.” — Alfred Renyi

114. “Without my morning coffee, I’m just like a dried–up piece of goat.” — J.S. Bach

115. “No one can understand the truth until he drinks of coffee’s frothy goodness.” — Sheik Abd-al-Kadir

116. “I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.” — Ronald Reagan

117. “I like my coffee like I like myself: strong, sweet, and too hot for you.” — Jac Vanek

118. “When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…” — Emo Philips

119. “I would rather suffer with coffee than be senseless.” — Napoleon Bonaparte

120. “Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.” — Earl Wilson

121. “It’s amazing how the world begins to change through the eyes of a cup of coffee.” — Donna A. Favors

122. “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.” — T.S. Eliot

123.

I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.

— Louisa May Alcott

124. “Once you wake up and smell the coffee, it’s hard to go back to sleep.” — Fran Drescher

125. “Never trust anyone who doesn’t drink coffee.” — AJ Lee

126. “Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?” — Jean Kerr

127. “Adventure in life is good… consistency in coffee even better.” — Justina Headley

128. “The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportional to the quantity of coffee he drank.” — Sir James MacKintosh

129. “I quit coffee. It won’t be easy drinking my Bailey’s straight but I’ll get used to it. It’ll still be the best part of waking up.” — Megan Mullally

130. “Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.” ― Terry Pratchett

131. “Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.” — Edward Abbey

132. “You can’t have a decent food culture without a decent coffee culture: the two things grow up together.” — Adam Gopnik

133. “I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism.” — Abigail Reynolds

134. “It doesn’t matter where you’re from – or how you feel… There’s always peace in a strong cup of coffee.” ― Gabriel Bá

135. “My children know not to shout before Mummy has warmed herself into something human with her coffee.” — Ben Kidron

136. “The smell of fresh-made coffee is one of the world’s greatest inventions.” — Hugh Jackman

137. “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.” — Steven Wright

138. “I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, ‘Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.” — Jim Carrey

139. “Even a bad cup of coffee is better than no coffee at all.” — David Lynch

140. “I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee.” — Terri Guillemets

141. “Up to a thousand milligrams of caffeine is considered safe for most people, which translates into about 10 cups of coffee a day.” — Michael Greger

142. “I judge a restaurant by the bread and by the coffee.” — Burt Lancaster

143. “As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?” — Cassandra Clare

144. “You make good coffee… you’re a slob, but you make good coffee.” — Cher

145. “Three cups of coffee a day keeps the doctor away!” — Henry Rollins

146. “Coffee is the common man’s gold, and like gold, it brings to every person the feeling of luxury and nobility.” — Sheik Abd Al Kadir

147. “Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister.” — Bob Irwin

148. “Caffeine and sugar—the two basic food groups.” — Laurell K. Hamilton

149. “The first cup is for the guest, the second for enjoyment, the third for the sword.” — Arabic proverb

150. “Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven.” — Jessi Lane Adam

Coffee Puns: Bean There, Done That!

If we can’t laugh about our favourite drink, what can we laugh about?

Save this list of funny coffee puns so you’ll always have the perfect line for your neighbourhood barista and everyone else you meet at the coffee shop.

Now that you’re fully caffeinated (and you know the wittiest coffee sayings), what’s next? Jazz up your next Instagram post with these epic quotes and captions!